European Tour Fall 2011 || Report 1

Dear friends,

Here we are again, as usual. Today is Tuesday 18^th. Time flies inevitably, among secessionist gametes and proud “freckles” expelled in opulent toilets.

I’ve been touring France and Germany for a week. 

We started in Montpellier, in what is generally acknowledged as the smallest but hottest stage nationwide. Awful roads, whose size has nothing to envy to Burger King’s French fries. A couple of one way streets taken in the wrong direction and I was punctually late. 

The concert flows with intensity, in a climate recalling hell or a coup d’état because of the bad smell and humidity of the place and the public crowding in two square metres. Halas, the odours perceived cannot be conveyed via the internet yet. My dog would just go crazy!... We wholeheartedly thank Olivier for his kind hospitality and Alan’s suitcase for having exploded after an 8-hour journey. That was real fun I shall not easily forget!

HOWEVER,..

Did you know that  Phenix’s drummer also plays for Cult Of Luna?! Incredible, ain’t it??

It’s a bit like thinking about the actual age of the present writer, or that Steve also is Jay Cutler every second day. Or even that we nearly died in a van thanks to ever-careful Alan.

Wednesday 12^th. It’s 5.44 pm. A desert motorway. Clear sky. Heading for Grenoble (FR). With an abrupt move, a cigarette is set on fire, then extinguished between the soft lips of the do-it-all teddy bear. Short, it’s a real party for his palate… The protruding paper is immediately burnt with terrific desire. Without too many regrets, it is put out mournfully. A soft hand. Magilla. A lowered window. Its well-known delicacy. 3,2,1… EXPELLED at 130 km/h

..

I was not aware that tobacco suffered from Oedipus’ complex. Nor did I know that Alan was in bad terms with Kurgan. As a matter of fact, the “outcast” decides to go back to its father-killer. The angry butt penetrates between the shirt’s neck and the creamy nape. What follows is a sudden stop, a few yells and a fire starting in the hairy nape bush.

Tension wears out. The “prodigal son” is drowned in salty and abundant urine. Steve seats behind the wheel and we get to the place.

The concert was a bomb. Even more so because it was unexpected. Raised fingers, grimy faces, drool and liquids everywhere. Thanks you guys. And above all, thank you dear Galdric because you hosted us and provided food.

The fact that our van was towed away because it was in a no parking zone is a mere detail. A mere detail…

The true revelation of the week was the concert in Lyon the following day. The public was very interested, a stool was smashed, the people were wonderful and incredible talking lasted until 5 in the morning about Aznavour, Bilal, the pope and whores. It was all seasoned with a sip of cider and pasta with sausages. FUCK  CROISSANTS!

Finally, it was the turn of the concerts in Mainz and Cologne. The first was in a squatters’ flat in the heart of an extra-luxury university campus, the second in a super venue near the city centre surrounded by very aggressive Kebab restaurants.

The first event required a certain virility in the sense of ignoring certain basic hygienic standards. The second a certain amount of macho style considering that very heavy metal Kruger were sharing the stage with us.

The first event was seasoned with hot chilli, anarchic comradeship and unlimited belches from the public, mostly composed of females. The second included smoked salmon, Nordic rigour and important compliments.

The first ended with beer being poured on good Steve’s pedals, a power cut (never remedied) and very interesting talks on cinema. The second with a big round of applause, live radio broadcasting and tons of gadgets.

All in all its was an excellent week from the musical viewpoint. However, if I were to add up all the bad luck to which we were subject, I would suspect that Kurgan or Captain Laser do exist. And that we are Mandrakes in this situation. The present writer is lying on the ground in a sleeping bag, with a terribly sore throat and is missing one of the stools. Next to me, Alan’s “corpse”, in between a flue and post-Amsterdam hangover, with an virtually unmovable suitcase. And I am not mentioning an awful lot of tiny but funny misfortunes.

Finally, a little anecdote from the 16^th October in Amsterdam:

D. ‘’Hey Alan, how the fuck do I lock this bike?”

A. ‘’ You’re the usual moron. Look, you simply pull the lever and take off the key and …  “?=”^?***òçP” .

     ‘Shit!!!..  What the fuck. What .. Holy shit!!’’

..

Colour does not lie.

Your eyes rise toward the top of the streetlamp over the canal .

A Seagull flies away. And it is as if it had winked, you know?!

-David

European Tour Fall 2011

It' s with great happiness and a rock hard erection that we announce our fall european tour that will take place here and there in europe this october.

11/10 Up&Down || Montpellier (FR)

12/10 Le Dock || Grenoble (FR)

13/10 Bar des Capuccins|| Lyon (FR)

14/10 Haus Mainusch || Meinz (DE)

15/10 MTC || Koln (DE)

16/10 TBA Netherlands

18/10 Uschsi HC- Imbe || Leipzig (DE)

20/10 Aalborg theater || Aalborg (DK)

21/10 Musikcafeen || Copenhagen (DK) #

22/10 Gängeviertel || Hamburg (DE) #

23/10 SBZ Krähenfuss || Berlin (DE) #

24/10 Pod Minoga || Poznan (PL) #

25/10 Zille || Dresden (DE) #

26/10 TCK || Tarnowskie Góry (PL) #

27/10 Firlej Club || Wroclaw (PL) #

28/10 Sztygarka || Chorzow (PL) #

29/10 Jazz Rock cafè || Cheb (CZ) #

30/10 Menza Pri Koritu || Ljubljana (SL)


#= w/ Late Night Venture (DK)

Baking in the hot summer. Thanks fever. We'll be back soon.

So,

Have you ever tried to listening to a Sara Vaughan’s album with an ear plunged into your toilet flushing water? No?? Mmhhh…

It might be an extremely weird experience; and if not for the uncomfortable position, at least only for listening to “Over the rainbow” in a bathroom, fancying to have tricked that devious elf and reached the overflowing sweet-smelling pot.

Anyway,

I’m asking you this because my health keeps on changing.

It’s like to be an X-MAN. But instead of superpowers, I’ve got the super-jinx. An unavoidable condition of my life. I’m living with ten fingers, two testicles and three antibodies. Together with a good deal of patience divided between Mordillo and my dog.

The last post-meningitis is that from my top left orifice I can’t hear anything anymore. Or rather, I hear a “metallic” effect.

The effect is so irritating like listening to Frank Sinatra plugged into a vocoder.

Or like listening to Sarah inside the water-closet. It’s up to you.

Well,

Dante teaches. I feel naked as well. After Charon, I have fun to imagine Bruce Springsteen striving against wasps and flies. Rigorously sluggish and “naked”.

But it is still an illusion.

The Boss is not funny, he is still married with a Patty more in shape than ever, has lost Clarence and supports Obama.

A rigorous “lex”-shaped retaliation will never exist.

Like Sforzinda.

What a shame!

But let’s get to the point.

This has nothing to do with the object of “this text”.

Whoever is writing to you should do it to orgiastically update the participants on the following matters:

1) VALERIAN SWING are fine.
2) VALERIAN SWING are planning the new and very tough European October Tour;
3) VALERIAN SWING are planning the US Tour;
4) VALERIAN SWING are going to release their first official video;
5) VALERIAN SWING give you the free download of this track: 
A Sea In Your Divine Fast  preparing you to the point no. 6;

6) VALERIAN SWING have done this: 

Valerian Swing | Live From The Forest from valerian swing on Vimeo.

Do you like it? Do you loathe it? Would you like to open a Crodino for me?

As Charlie Parker would play.

''SALT PEANUTS''.

Bitter greetings to everybody.

Take care…better than me!

Davìd

Summer Days

I'm sitting in my room trying to fight the heat with my air-conditioner listening to the last This Will Destroy You LP "Tunnel Blanket" (amazing), it's almost 40° here..Jesus!

Actually we never been a "summer band", always hated to play open air concerts, freaking hot and also the concrete risk to have an heart attack while jumping on the stage is not something to underestimate.

But….we played at the amazing MI ODI fest in Milan last week, in company of great bands like Eyehategod, Boris, Russian Circles, Kylesa, Church of Misery, The Secret and others really good bands….it was just awesome, and you can watch a clip here:

It seems one year that our new record has been realesed but is actually just 3 months....we're so stocked to realize that we played almost 30 shows in a little more than 2 months.

We are heading to play a couple of shows in Italy this summer, "Santo Rock" in Genova on july 16 with Samsara blues Experiment and Mombu, and "Balla Coi Cinghiali" on august 19 in Savona with Ufomammut, Zippo and Ghandi's Gun.

We are recharging our batteries for an intense season of concerts, we are going to hit Europe again in october and planning a good amount of shows in Italy this winter.

We have also a brand new video of "Pleng" that will be ready soon.

So…..stay tuned folks!

-Steve-

European Tour Report 3 | The Danish Terrorist

Our "Oscar Wilde" aka David was too wasted for the final write up, so we decided to ask our Bodyguard, also known as "The Danish Terrorist"  (he protected us by all the dangers that you might be encounter in Scandinavia) to narrate the misadventures of the final part of the tour. Enjoy.

Deep Into The East

All right, let’s take it from the end. Let’s start from the Saturday night climax in Cheb, Czech Republic. We like to think that the humanoid, halfway between J-Kay e Johnny Depp, got truly exhilarated by our show. The video is extremely educational and should be passed down to posterity, to allow us to show that drinking and doing drugs is bad. The genius of it all, though, is also about indulging in sizeable defecation sessions, and watch a work of art unwind among its tiny turds. Here’s our true nature:  

Dancing and spitting aside, the evening is a true masterpiece. Goulash-like soup, a sound guy who spoke no English other than ''Do you smoke weed?'' and ''SUPER!'', effervescent crowd, inhuman screams, tap water and out-of-control bowels. Night transfer to the hotel, group pic and sweet dreams; probably one of the most radical concerts I’ve ever seen.

June 5. Wake up at dawn, with 700 km ahead of us, headed to Chrozow (PL). Coffee and cake in our bellies. Contrasting opinions on the Czech cake bought at the corner shop, another reason why at 11 in the morning we already have to stop for a second breakfast at Burger King with the immediately ensuing defecation ritual in the luxurious and multi-coloured shitter. As we set off again, Alan’s true nature emerges; a lovingly Asian-looking teddy bear who cannot resist creamy and sweet honey. Location: a gas station in Poland, living up to proverbial catholic poverty. Subject: juicy fries in a stained plastic basket. Antecedent: an innocent and hungry old bloke who orders and longingly waits for his greasy meal.   

Misdeed: a ravishing grizzly bear, with a stare halfway between innocence and incontrollable libido, starts devouring the rich meal, which he assumed was compliment of the house. Epilogue: the setting turns into an epic version of Yellowstone, halfway between Hanna & Barbera and Sergio Leone. Instead of gunshots, the ranger abuses the misguided bear with incomprehensible Polish blasphemy. The result is Yogi running, defeated and humiliated, but with one fry more in his belly and one Zlot less in his wallet.

We get to the place in perfect timing: 8 full hours in the van, and our assess aching and in pain. The stage is located in the middle of an abandoned factory. All around are a number of sound engineers and NatGeo worthy bugs. The gig starts at nine, and a very good one, for at least a couple of reasons:

The accommodation (all-mod-con flat with a huge HD TV set as big as Michael Moore) and two friends in their forties. One is a rapper, the other a bassist. The latter, quite heroically decided to hug us at the end of the concert, repeating for over 10 minutes the sentence: “my brains went up in smoke, my brains went up in smoke”, gesturing madly as if he were Sitting Bull puffing away at his calumet.

Finally, some sleep. And this time we get the right amount and quality. Waking up the following day is merely a formality: finally, a day off, long awaited like a child longs for Santa to arrive on Christmas Eve. Berlin-ward, we have our signature lunch at the local Burger King, and meet heavy rain in Cottbus. Finally, at eight in the evening we make it to deserted Berlin, plagued by the Flood. There is little else to add. If not that our friend and spectacular graphic designer Zamoc lives in Spiller’s house and cooks a breathtaking Carrettera. All this considered we decide to spend the whole of June 6 on the couch, playing Ukulele, Steve being Steve, Alan being Alan (fully dressed and in bed, still wearing his sweat-soaked jeans and wife beater) and I being me, as usual, covering the unlined, yellowish pillow with the immaculate towel I find in my suitcase.

First Three Days

Three is quite a recurring number. The Beagle Boys were three, so were Huey, Dewey and Louie and the Good, the Bad and the Ugly (though they have been momentarily downsized to two). The three musketeers, the ninja turtles (personally, I think Leonardo was a jackass, so he does not count!), not to mention the Holy Trinity, the Schwarzeneggers before Patty came along, Triceps and the breasts of the bargirl in Total recall''. It appears, then, that since the times of Jesus the number three has been quite in fashion. In Italy, it’s common belief that after three days (just like guests) fish starts to stink!

It is precisely in the name of the foul-smelling creature of the seas that I intend to write a brief account on the first three gigs, in three different venues, of a three-people band’s third tour.

If it is true that Giuseppe Signori would bet – among other wagering exploits – up to 1,000,000 Liras that he would be able to eat quite a sizeable Danish cake in thirty steps (you are highly recommended to look into it, it’s really hilarious!), it would be fair to imagine our friend Romeo from Graz’s Explosiv to be a good match, in terms of the number of beers guzzled in a single night with his apprentice Steve. Anyways….

Humongous stage, a lighting system that would have made Steven Spielberg go green with envy, a spectacular set greeted by the best of crowds. It would have been impossible to start a tour on a better note. And then of course a private apartment exclusively for our use, a luxury bathroom, hot as hell, Wi-Fi connection (and the ensuing X-rated spree) and bounty a go-go.

Late morning breakfast and a heart-warming adieu.

We set off for Budapest on June 2^nd, my very birthday; easy rolling, high-cuisine egg sandwich and snickers lunch. God bless Gordon Ramsey!

As we arrive in the chaotic city, we have mixed feelings about killer cucumbers and contagious deer salami. We triple park and walk three flight of stairs with our gear and “paraphernalia” on the back; the underground club is as cosy as explosive factories used to be during the Great War.

The house is already full for the show of our friends, Rose Parks. The venue stays full and the crowd, soaked in sweat due to the tropical heat, does not lose its enthusiasm for the full-hour’s therapy session. The number of vinyl records starts to drop, thanks to Dàvid. It would not have been a decent birthday had we not celebrated it in a very manly fashion.

The festivities were spent is a sleepless last-minute hostel, thanks to the loudly flatulent and unbearably snoring of my bed “mate”, who was blatantly drunk and stinking of it. Again, I need to thank him for sharing his body fluids and for preventing me from getting any fucking sleep! THANKS MATE!

All rise for the morning shower. As our colleague Alan Alanas sharply put it, the true goal by now is to go to bed in a dirtier state than the very bed we sleep in! The theory is quite arguable, but boy did we feel like real men, those men we thought had gone extinct. ANYWAYS,

It goes without saying that Alan goes immediately missing in the ladies’ room, which he selected after accurately scrutinising the sign on the door.

Salami, sweet peppers and coffee for breakfast; I can’t stop feeling sorry for the toilets that were forced to witness our presence!

A quick tour in the suburbs of the Hungarian city, and then we set off again, this time for Gyor, as guests of the abovementioned friends. This time, after a five-o’clock supper, we play in a cellar/cinema theatre. Yes, a cellar/cinema theatre, fully equipped with a projector, seats and saltpetre!

COOL! Some of the people in the crowd had waited for this concert for months, while others are there for the opening act, a crust/hardcore band that breaks the ice by spitting on the amplifier head and cavorting on the ground with a beastly growl. AWESOME!

We begin late and turn in even later. And more tired. And dirtier. To sum it up, we had never felt so manly. Let me conclude with the perfect beginning, today June 4^th: eight in the morning, Bob Marley accompanying the largest-breasted woman ever seen on the Web. What an incredible freak of nature. It’s a real shame he died so young.


David

Limited Edition Poster

We made this special poster in letterprint to bring on tour.
Thanks to Luca Lattuga from tastemeat.com. for make it awesome in a really short time.
It's a very limited edition of 50 posters (2 colours - black and gold) on brown paper 300g. 35 x 50 cm. All hand numbered.
We will not ship them, and after this press there will be no more.
So....come to one of our concerts and grab it.
It will be worth.


We shot also a little video for share with you guys the amazing art of letterprint.

Hey Folks!
Our final tourdates, exact destinations, maps and threads were pinned down and announced just a few days ago and holy mahhh.... there's soooo much too look forward to... Vinyls, T-Shirts, Posters (And more posters), Cd's and... foremost, a whole bunch of other amazing bands across the various venues, countries... See!?

01/06 - Explosiv, Graz|Austria.
02/06 - Szabad Az A, Budapest|Hungary w/ Rosa Parks (Hu)
03/06 - Rómer-ház, Gyor|Hungary w/ Rosa Parks (Hu)
04/06 - Jazz Rock Cafè, Cheb|Czech Republic w/ Rosa Parks (Hu)
05/06 - Sztygarka - Magazyn Ciekłego Powietrza, Chorzów|Poland
07/06 - Schaubude, Kiel|Germany w/ EF (Sw).
08/06 - Gaardaskolen, Gothenburg|Sweden w/ Drink To Me (Ita) & Shapes & Layers (Gbg)
09/06 - Cafè 44, Stockholm|Sweden w/ EL-SD (Sw)
10/06 - KB18, Copenhagen|Denmark w/ City Of Ships (US) & The Day We Left Earth (Dk)
11/06 - Raum Eins @ Trojborg Beboerhus, Aarhus|Denmark w/ My Polaris Artillery (Dk)
13/06 - Tba|Norway
14/06 - Blaa, Oslo|Norway w/ Epicurus Euforie

Take note, get the fuck out of your houses and come to party with us. This is gonna be killer !
We will try hard to keep this blog updated so we can share day by day our misadventure with you guys.
                           
                  Thanks a lot to Cameron @ TwoDucksDisco for this amazing poster.